


White Blank Page (reader x Bucky)

by avengerofyourheart



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Angst, Controlling Behavior, Emotional Abuse, F/M, Heartbreak, Sex Mentions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-26
Updated: 2017-07-26
Packaged: 2018-12-07 03:06:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,430
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11614587
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/avengerofyourheart/pseuds/avengerofyourheart
Summary: Summary: Reader is caught in a messy situation when she falls for an emotionally unavailable Bucky.Warnings: super angsty, sex mentions, controlling behavior, heartbreak.Song Inspiration: White Blank Page by Mumford & Sons





	White Blank Page (reader x Bucky)

_"Can you lie next to her_  
And give her your heart, your heart  
As well as your body?  
And can you lie next to her  
Confess your love, your love  
As well as your folly?" 

It was your own fault, really. You allowed this to happen. You let him into your life, into your bed, and somehow you had given him your heart in the process. Which turned out to be a mistake.

_________

Bucky never really paid any special attention to you when you moved into the tower and became an Avenger. Steve introduced the former Winter Soldier to you and it turned out the still-used moniker on missions was incredibly fitting since all the response you got was a frosty nod from him. From then on, you kept your distance, conversing with him only when necessary.

Bucky was undeniably attractive, you weren't blind to it or anything. That chiseled jaw, chin length chestnut hair, piercing blue eyes, and muscular build, not to mention the curiously sexy metal arm, how could you not notice? Your eyes tended to follow him whenever he entered the room and the ever-observant Natasha caught on to it quickly.

"I wouldn't get involved, Y/N. Besides, he has a girlfriend or something."

"I didn't ask. And why should I care if he has a girlfriend?" you replied, offering a smile to the redhead.

"Whatever you say..." trailed off the redhead in disbelief.

Try as you might to keep your head and heart in check, both failed as you watched him interact with the other teammates, a dazzling smile upon his gorgeous face, or when you caught a glimpse of him dressed up for a date. One day Clint's family came to visit at the tower and seeing Bucky interact adorably with the young kids about had you coming undone. Men who were good with children was your weakness. You were in trouble.

Determined not to fixate on this unavailable man, you threw yourself completely into your training and medical studies under Dr. Banner. The more you kept yourself busy, the less time and mind space he could occupy.

You found yourself sparring with Natasha one day in the gym as he walked in, your eyes flickering his way momentarily before focusing on the task at hand. Nat still pinned you to the mat in the end, but you had held your own. Taking a break, you walked over to your gym bag and took a swig of your water bottle. Unable stop yourself, you allowed your gaze to land on the Super Soldier once again, surprised to see his eyes already on you. He quickly turned his focus back to Steve as the two men circled each other preparing to spar. Gathering your towel and bag, you left the gym then without another glance.

Two weeks later, you were bent down peering into a microscope with a slide of Steve's serum-infused blood magnified 100x. Your work under Dr. Banner's tutelage was focused on the quick healing abilities of the serum specifically. You were determined to isolate that property, hoping to duplicate it and one day use it to heal those who didn't have the luxury of Dr. Cho's expertise and technology.

A sudden loud crash and the rising of an angry voice down the hall brought your head up, eyes seeking out the sound. Bucky stormed past the floor-to-ceiling glass walls of the lab with Steve rushing after him, attempting to calm the man. The blond stopped at the lab's entrance, leaving his best friend to cool off on his own. Steve saw you and Bruce paused from work, faces poised in concern.

"Something wrong, Cap?" you inquired.

"Nah. It's just...his girl broke up with him. He's not really...taking it well. Sorry to interrupt your work," he apologized, leaving the lab with a nod to you.

You felt a squeeze of your heart as compassion toward your crush filled you. Despite hating to see him in pain, a part of you was glad she was out of the picture. The spark of hope flickered to a small flame inside you, a dangerous thought of possibility settling in your mind.

Two nights later you wandered into the kitchen, unable to sleep. Bleary-eyed in the dark, it took you a few steps before you realized there was a large figure seated on a barstool with their back to you. Walking quietly as you could, Bucky's super hearing still picked up the sound and he turned your way. Meeting his eyes you froze for a moment but then continued toward the fridge when he tore his gaze away.

You stared aimlessly into the fridge, not really hungry. Bucky rose from the barstool and rounded the kitchen island, poised at the sink to wash out his dish. You closed the fridge and stepped to his side, hesitating before speaking.

"Bucky, I...I'm sorry about...you know."

He held the soapy dish as he half-turned your way. Gripped tightly in his metal hand you were afraid he would break it. Without responding, he rinsed his bowl and set it to the side to dry as he grabbed a towel for his hands.

"If you ever need to talk or anything....I'm here," you whispered, starting to reach out to touch his arm before you caught yourself and pulled back.

A scoff escaped his lips, a bitter smile upon his face. "I don't need to talk."

"Well...what do you need?"

He folded the towel and draped it over the lower cupboard door, unresponsive.

"Fine. I'll leave you alone," you said dejected, turning to leave.

"Wait," he spoke, grasping your wrist in his flesh hand. "Don't leave."

Glancing down at the touch then meeting his eyes, you took a step forward. A flicker of indecision passed over his features before he pulled you toward him, crashing his lips down on yours. It was a collision of lips and teeth and tongues, the kiss tasting of desperation and desire. Your hands were lost in his hair, grasping at the strands. He placed his large hands on your back, one sliding downwards to grip your backside. He pulled back for a breath, chest heaving and eyes darkened with lust. You grasped his hand and took a step back, walking toward your room as he trailed behind you.

Reaching your door you grasped the handle and turned it to enter, but he then spoke.

"Y/N. Are you sure?"

He had never addressed you by name before and hearing it roll over his tongue stirred something inside you.

"Yes."

You pulled him into your room and shut the door.

_________________________

_"A white blank page_  
and a swelling rage, rage  
You did not think when  
you sent me to the brink, to the brink  
You desired my attention  
but denied my affections, my affections" 

Lying beside the man of your dreams, you attempted to catch your breath, heart rate still elevated. You knew that Bucky would have to be a good lover but...wow. Your body ached in the most delicious way, love bites visible upon your skin. An easy smile graced your face, bringing fingers up to touch your swollen lips.

You turned toward him and in that moment, he swung his legs over the side of the bed to stand. You sat up, clutching the sheet to your chest as you watched him dress. He turned toward you, face free from emotion.

"I'm not looking for anything serious...if you were wondering."

Struggling to keep your face impassive, you nodded.

"Fine."

And he was gone.

________________

That was it, you thought. You had your night with Bucky and that was the end. The next evening, Steve gathered everyone for a movie night. He was determined to watch every Disney movie he had missed and tonight's was "Hercules", a personal favorite of yours.

You sat on the couch with Natasha on one side and Sam on the other. Bucky lounged in a chair to your right. He stayed to humor Steve but only made it halfway through before he rose and headed to his room, clearly not in the mood. You saw this all in your peripheral vision, determined not to give him the satisfaction of looking his way. A chorus of "good night" was heard from the team as he left and you returned your focus to the movie.

A few minutes later, your phone chimed. Fishing it out of your pocket, you saw a text.

_My room. 20 minutes._

You stuffed your phone back in your jeans, pulling the blanket up to your neck.

"Everything okay?" Sam asked.

"Yeah. Just my sister. I'll answer her later."

After 20 minutes that felt like an eternity, you faked a yawn and left the common area, saying good night. Looping back toward the other side of the tower, you stood before Bucky's door and knocked.

He opened it, shirtless and wearing only sweats slung low on his hips. Oh, mercy. He moved out of the way, allowing you to enter before he pulled you close and shut the door.

___________________________

And so it began.

During the day, you two rarely spoke and even then, it was a one word response from him. To the team, you and Bucky were strangers and that was still pretty true. But every few days, he would text you late at night and you came. Or he would show up at your door and enter without a word. The hot and cold interactions were jarring, but you told yourself it was worth it.

You knew it wasn't healthy, you weren't stupid. But to you, this was better than nothing. Sometimes he would stay and talk. It wasn't a conversation, per say. More like he was talking out loud and you just happened to be there. He would lie on his back beside you, arms touching but nothing else, as he spoke toward the ceiling. Sometimes about her, much to your chagrin.

"Her family didn't approve. Can't imagine why," he said, each word dripping with sarcasm.

You never responded. That's not what he wanted. All you did was listen and hope beyond all hoping that he would just let her go and see you. That he would turn to you, look into your eyes and truly be present, no ghost of her lingering behind his gaze. Even when he fell asleep next to you, in the morning you woke up alone. Countless times, you swore you wouldn't show up next time. You were sick of being his little secret and it was killing you to have only part of him when your heart wanted it all.

Three months. You let this go on for three months. Then one day, walking back to your room from the lab, you overheard Steve and Bucky talking about a girl the brunet had been seeing. Your heart leapt in your chest, thinking perhaps things had changed and he was ready to be open about the two of you. Then he mentioned that he saw her last night and they were going out again. He was seeing someone. He was seeing her again. Or was hoping to, anyway.

That night you lie in bed, feeling the fissures in your heart widen, eyes red and swollen. Your phone buzzed on the bedside table, bright screen glowing in the dark of your bedroom. Moving sluggishly, you reached for it, seeing the usual booty call text from Bucky. Anger blazed inside your chest.

How dare he? How could he continue to make demands of you and still desire another? This was the last straw. You were done letting him use you. Steely resolve in your veins, you threw off the covers and flicked the switch on your desk lamp. You pulled a notepad out of the drawer and sat down. With the blank page before you with pen in hand, you paused. What could you say that would convey all the pain and heartbreak he had caused all these months?

_Dear Bucky,_

You stopped and scratched out the formal address, crumpling the page in your hands, then starting again.

A few more crumpled pages, and you finally had something short and to the point. You folded it and headed toward Bucky's room. He would hear you outside his door, you knew, but at this point he would just expect you to enter on your own. You hesitated with the letter in your hand, heart pounding. Crouching down, you slid the paper under the door and walked away, feeling shaken but triumphant.

It read:

_"I can't do this anymore. I fell for you, even_  
though you made it clear I shouldn't. That   
was my fault. But you knew. You knew   
how I felt and you still kept me at your beck  
and call. I am not her. I never will be. I   
thought you might actually see me as   
I am one day, but I hoped in vain. I won't   
let you hurt me anymore.   
Whatever this was, it's over. I'm done." 

__________________________

_"So tell me now where was my fault  
In loving you with my whole heart?"_

Last night, you slept better than you had since before the whole mess began. At breakfast, you joked and laughed with Sam over coffee while Natasha and Steve go over logistics for today's mission. Bucky stumbled into the kitchen late, hair pointing ten different directions.

"Whoa, buddy. Rough night?" Steve asked.

"Just...didn't get a lot of sleep."

"Nightmare?"

"Something like that..." Bucky trailed off.

You could feel his eyes on you, but your focus remained on the story Sam was telling you. A burst of laughter escaped you as he shared the punch line, causing you to double over. It felt so good to laugh. Your heart still felt sore, but lighter than it had been in a long time.

Once Steve laid out the plan for everyone, you all split up to prepare for departure. Headed for your room, a hand grabbed your arm.

"Y/N."

Turning around, his blue eyes met yours while roughly pulling your arm out of his grasp. You matched his gaze with unwavering certainty, head held high. His expression showed regret, for either hurting you or for losing a screw buddy, you weren't sure. When he failed to speak again, you weren't surprised. There was nothing more to say. The damage had been done. It was over. Even if he had offered a measly apology, you didn't want it. You calmly walked away without a second thought, leaving him in his regret.


End file.
